


2509 Kilometers

by the_casual_cheesecake



Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: 5+1 Fic, Cats, M/M, Marijuana, discussions about gender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5305025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_casual_cheesecake/pseuds/the_casual_cheesecake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five conversations throughout a long-term assignment +1 that isn't.</p><p>Bonus: meddling cats, grumpy Q, witty Bond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	2509 Kilometers

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was the result of a tumblr prompt that i failed to properly fill.
> 
> and this little prompt that caught my eye: suddenlyprompts.tumblr.com/post/133871322149

 The loud ringtone startled Q awake, and for exactly 3.4 second he wanted to throw his phone against the wall, his blinked his eyes sluggishly and made his hand reach for it. 

 “You know it's a tragedy that you're not here to make me tea Bond.” Q's voice was hoarse with sleep and he struggled to get the blankets off his face to let James see him, his eyes wincing at the exposure.

 James grinned at him from his phone, and god, James was way overdressed for the time of day, presumably. Q didn't bother to check the time.

 “Late night kitten?” James teased, and Q didn't need glasses to tell that the James' blue eyes were warm, he could feel his gaze caressing him, he didn't reply, merely snuggled deeper into his cocoon of heat and smiled at his partner.

 “You look tired love, do I need to get Eve to intervene again?” James frowned and Q rolled his eyes at him, and hid his wince at the surge of pain from his overworked eyes, but James wouldn't know that, judge him all you like, pride matters.

 Q peeled himself of his sheets and into the cold air with a shiver and a hiss, and he could feel James' amusement from 2509 kilometers away. He dragged himself tiredly to the kitchen to start the kettle followed by his two disgruntled cats.

 “How's Moscow on this fine-” Q glanced at the clock hanging above his bedroom door and grimaced, “-crack of dawn, jesus James.” Q rubbed his eyes tiredly.

 “It's lovely, thanks for asking; my target's been occupied with a call girl for the last hour and a half and I would be impressed if I wasn't bored half out of my mind.” James' face was a comical mix of homicidal rage and tired puppy...a puppy?! dear god Q was tired.

 “Ah, there's the reason I'm awake then.” Q glared halfheartedly at his phone as he poured his tea into a half clean mug.

 “Don't be grumpy, look, I want to show you a thing.” James enthused, smiling widely.

 The camera moved around framing a dim empty house, high ceilings and cracked paint. Q sipped his tea grudgingly as James strode through a long hallway and into a room lit with cold-coloured early morning sun, cigarette butts littered the place over disturbed piles of dust.

 The camera got closer to the ground, Q let out a startled laugh.

 “Did you really draw me with cigarettes, oh my god James how much have you smoked?!”

 On the ground, crudely sketched, lay a bespectacled, chaotic haired face. Ash covered the places where James obviously thought needed softer touches, the art left something to be desired, and Q could count at least two packs of cigarettes has contributed to the masterpiece.

 The camera moved back to James' beaming face, and Q's witty remark about chimneys and men with too much time on their hands died at his lips and was unconsciously replaced with an affectionate smile.

 “I love it.” he whispered.

James' grin, if possible, widened.

 ***

 Q paces through the kitchen for the third time murmuring to himself, so distracted he almost stepped on a cat; he checked the cabinets -define: check: open and close rapidly and roll eyes at content- he looked under the sink, grimaced at the state of it and closed the door.

 “Remember, remember, remember...” the murmuring got louder the more frustrated he got.

 He strode to the bedroom and started rummaging through the mess in the bedside table, gun, lube, condoms, wire, broken gun, broken glasses, a lone sock, prototype handcuffs, Q growled and slammed the drawer shut.

 He turned to the black longhair cat judging him from the doorway, “Did you eat them Mr. Turing? I will be very cross if you did, confess now and save yourself.” The cat turned and walked away. Q sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose under the glasses.

 His phone picked that moment to start ringing, it did not help Q's mood that he had to hunt around for two minutes to find it.

 “Bond, what do you want?” Q threw himself at the couch, the snowshoe cat that was lounging on it gave him a dismissing glance and went back to sleep.

 “Why yes Q my mission is going fabulously, thanks for asking, how was your day?” James said cheerfully, the camera showed him laying in bed, white shirt open at the collar and head resting on his hand at the headboard. Q groaned dramatically and let his head fall back on the couch.

 “what's wrong, did Mrs. Hamilton sleep on your tech again?” James' question was met with another groan,“Did someone die on TV, do I need to call emotional support for you?” Q tried his best to glare with one eye open at his phone.

 “I lost something.” Q exhaled.

 “Was it your dignity?” James said with a cheeky grin; he was so lucky he was so far away as Q's hand instinctively reached for a couch cushion to smack him with.

 “Shut up, did you need something or are you just calling to torment me further?” Q asked, and dragged the cat -despite her best efforts- onto his lap for some much needed feline affection.

 “Just missed you.” James' eyes were making Q's stomach do its best impression of a circus. Q narrowed his eyes at the phone.

 “Did you break you gun? feed it to an elephant? Lose it down a hole to the other side of the world?” Q asked, deadpan. James winced.

 “It wasn't my fault?”

 “No, go away Bond, I do not have time for you right now. I'm late and I can't find the damned things, and now I have to schedule a drop off for you when I get to the office on top of it all. I hate you.” Q grumbled into warm fur.

 “What things? What have you lost?” James' voice took a sympathetic tone.

 “I don't want to tell you.”

 James glared at him. Q hid into the cat. the cat meowed unhappily.

 “I swear I didn't mean to, I put them in a safe spot because I was handling chemicals, but I got distracted and now I can't remember where the bloody safe spot was.” Q ranted.

 “Take a breath Q, it's alright, whatever it is you'll either find it or replace it, no need to panic.” James said soothingly, making Q feel worse.

 “It's irreplaceable.” Q replied in a small voice, he let the cat go and hugged a knee to his torso, resting his face on it, “James I'm sorry, I can't find your dog tags.”

 James' eyes softened and he smiled.

 “Go to the bathroom love.”

 Q gave James a quizzical look but got up and headed to the bathroom. He glanced around, eyes scanning the shelves.

 “Check the bathrobe hanger.” James voiced, before Q could start opening drawers. He marched quickly to the other side of the room and gasped.

 “How did y-” Q started.

 “You always put them there when you shower darling, you tend to panic when you don't have them around so I always put them back on the bedside table.” James interrupted, voice layered with amusement. Q blushed.

 “Thank you.” Q put the dog tags around his neck and blinked at the screen of his phone. He was sure his expression was very incriminating at the moment but he couldn't stop from smiling back at the smug idiot on it.

 “You're welcome. Now go to work, I need a gun.”

 ***

 “Q are you drunk?” James' face asked from its meticulous perch between two stack of CDs, it was a very fair question in this instance, since Q was slumped against the front of his couch, hair a wild mess clinging to his forehead with sweat, a hazy smile on his face.

 “No.” He answered, hugging a pack of Jammie dodgers to his chest. James' eyebrows raised dubiously. “I am not drunk, I swear on fish fingers and custard James.” Q crossed his heart clumsily with a cookie then bit into it.

James' face was doing funny things with its eyebrows, and Q's face tried to mimic them for a moment to his partner's utter confusion.

 “..I am on the other hand, quiet high.” Q grinned. James chocked on a breath, which honestly should not be possible considering the amounts of weird he stumbles on every mission, Q thought.

 James' mouth opened minutely on an inhale, then shut again like he didn't know what to say, he settled for looking vaguely disturbed. Q stomach growled and he passionately extracted another cookie from the box.

 “You look of surprise is making me mourn being with you for less than a month before you left for cold lonely lands.” Q sighed, and then promptly decided it was fun to surprise James regardless and grinned again, he took the spliff from its resting place on the table and lit it, taking a drag then blowing the smoke at the screen.

 “Why are you all sweaty then? If it's just a joint.” James laughed, of all things.

 “Were you worried my big bad wolf?” Q retorted, badly suppressing a snort. James glared. “I was dancing.” Q relented unable to contain a blush that coloured the top on his cheeks. Blushing was weird, Q wondered if James ever blushes, he never seemed to, what would even take to make him blush?! 

 “Want some company then?” James' voice sounded, interrupting his ridiculous train of thought. Q made a confused hum in lieu of an answer. God James had the best smile, his teeth were so shiny and his eyes lit like a sun, his lips formed the most perfect shapes when they moved and his wrinkles were like sculpted genius.

 “--interrupting you...Q are you listening to me?” James' brows were knit together, Q wanted to kiss the dimple in between. He realized he probably shouldn't have daydreamed in the middle of a conversation as he had no idea what his lover just said, but James, being perfect as he is just repeated with a fond expression.

 “Want to continue with the dancing then? I would love to watch.”

 “Only if you join in commander Bond.” Q leaned closer to the camera with a sneaky smirk. James lifted an eyebrow and stood up, fixed his phone to stay upright and gestured challenging at Q.

 Q started his music back again, discarded his beloved pack of Jammie dodgers on the couch and gently swayed with the beat still grinning at James.

 Q thought he was probably falling in love.

 ***

 “He's the sister!” Q gasped and flailed trying to demonstrate the seriousness of the situation to the face on his phone. How James kept a straight face Q will never know.

 “You know when I suggested we watch something together I did not mean Mexican soap operas.” James rubbed the heels of his hands over his eyes.

 “It's not my fault this is the only channel you're getting.” Q argued. Bond sighed.

 “Fine, so why is that woman crying in the corner?” James asked, resuming cleaning his new gun.

 “Oh, she's the sister's wife.” Q shoved a fistful of popcorn in his mouth.

 “That makes no sense.”

 “Maybe she was a virgin when they married, don't be cynical.” Q scolded.

 “Pornography Q.” James deadpanned.

 “If a girl got married a virgin I'm pretty sure she would not have watched porn Bond.” Q maintained, then shooed Mr. Turing away from his laptop.

 “Stop trying to defend her, it's logically impossible that she would not realize her husband was a woman.”

 “Maybe she's asexual, don't judge.” Q shrugged and turned back to see the events unfold, the family was now in disarray with the mother now joining the weeping wife.

 “You would tell me if you were female wouldn't you Q, you wouldn't let me find out when your cheating ex-husband decided to take revenge for his murdered father and tell everyone, right?” James asked with impressive sincerity and an award winning straight face.

 “I would wait until I got pregnant first love, then I will get revenge on my murdered husband and tell everyone.” Q replied with a grin.

 “You would tell me though, wouldn't you?” James said quietly after a pause. Q directed his attention the his phone, now curious.

 “If I were transgender?” Q asked back puzzled.

 “Yes.”

 “Of course I would tell you, why would you think I wouldn't? Wouldn't you?” Q replied, muting his laptop and tucking his feet under the pile of blankets on the foot of the bed. James stared behind the camera for a minute then looked back with a strange expression.

 “I'd like to think I would, I'm not sure.” His voice was quiet and contemplative.

 “Would you really have stayed in the closet about it?” Q questioned, eyebrows knit together.

 “I think it's tremendously brave to air it out to the world, I'm not sure I could do it.” James stated.

 “Bond you jump off burning buildings and fight people shooting at you on a daily bases, how is that any different?” Q asked with a huff.

 “I have an entire agency that believe I can do the impossible Q, and they push me until I do. I don't think I can accomplish half the crap I pull with everyone saying I won't make it, and questioning my every move. Image is very important. I'm not sure I could be brave enough to give it up.” James replied, surprisingly honest. His gun was set aside, and he was now cleaning and sharpening his impressive knife collection.

 “Would you tell me at least?” Q asked, accepting James' answer.

 “I trust you with everything Q, of course I would.” James beamed at him. Q's heart fluttered in his throat.

 “I lo-” Mrs. Hamilton interrupted Q by flopping down on his face.

 James burst out a laugh. Mr. Turing joined in to rest on Q's chest.

***

 “If you think about it, penises are really weird.” Q mused into his midnight tea.

 “This is coming from the most homosexual man I have ever met.” Came the reply from his phone with a snort.

 “I cannot possibly be the most homosexual man you've ever met Bond, that's absurd. Also I swear, think about it, they are such strange extremities, they just dangle there until you think about them then they pop up to see what's going on. Plus, they float. It's ridiculous.” Q insisted. James laughed at him.

 “You need to go to sleep love, you're talking nonsense.” James urged still chuckling under his breath. Q shrugged a shoulder noncommittally.

 “Whatever, you have a codependent relationship with your penis anyway, you wouldn't understand.” Q sipped his tea and yawned, then giggled as James visibly resisted yawning back.

 “You love my penis!” James objected.

 “it's a lovely penis, but one can point out you are too attached to it.” Q reasoned, eyes falling halfway shut behind his steam covered glasses.

 “One can point out it is literally attached to the rest of my body Q, no codependent relationship is stronger than that.” James wiggled his eyebrows and winked making Q struggle not to spit out his drink.

 “I miss your cock.” Q huffed. James smiled at him seductively then visibly restrained himself and glared.

 “Go to bed Q, you've been up for two days.”

 “No.”

 “Q. Go. Now” James ordered.

 “But, I'm talking to you.” Q whined.

 “I'll stay on the phone, put it on my pillow if you like.” James sighed fondly.

 “Fine, just don't die while I'm asleep.” Q walked to his bedroom and slithered between his sheets, moaning appreciatively at their softness.

 “I miss you too kitten.” James said from the pillow.

 Q hummed back.

***

 “Run faster Bond dammit” Q's hands were frantically moving over his keyboard trying to put as many locked doors between Bond and angry people with guns as possible.

 "You know we were having a perfectly nice conversation before all this, can't we skip the you being cross with me part?” Bond asked with nonchalance that was going to get him slapped when Q next sees him.

 “How about when people stop bloody shooting at you, you insane arsehole!” Q replied after a minute spent angrily muttering curses under his breath and pressing keys.

 “Oh shush, I'm always getting shot at, you can't stop having civilized conversations just because of it.” James was panting, how on earth he was carrying out banter was beyond Q, and if he had a second to breath he would wonder for who's benefit the nihilistic act was, but as it were, he could barely stop his heart beating right out of his chest and keep his voice levelly shouting orders at his subordinates.

 He was almost safe, a few more minutes and Q could slump boneless in his office chair and let out the shuddering breath that's playing a rather forceful game of tag in his lungs. The dot on the screen kept moving and Q kept steady.

 “Take the next right then the stairs on the left, that'll take you to the garage.” Q ordered.

 He heard three shots.

 “Bond report.” He asked quickly.

 “Hostile down, two floors up from the basement.” Bond replied using his professional deep voice. Q let out an exhale.

 “I'm setting the building to explode 007, I need you out as soon as possible please.” Q said as he took over hacking the main gas line from R.

 “Breath darling, I'm nearly there. I think you locked them all in.” James said, aiming for comforting but the effect got lost between hard breaths.

 The entire branch was on edge, Q could feel the eyes on his back as Bond's dot slowly approached safe distance and Q took a settling breath and typed the last command into the terminal.

The explosion carried inside Q-branch through Bond's earpiece, and satellite images started piling in on the corner of the screen.

“Bond.” Q demanded, every muscle still tense with adrenaline.

“Mission accomplished quartermaster.” Came the affirmation, and Q lowered himself to his desk chair.

“Your flight details are on your phone. Well done 007, have a safe trip.” He whispered into the mic tiredly, and smiled.

***

Q groaned at his alarm. He opened an eye and realized his phone was too far away to shut without getting up. He pulled the blanket back over his head and pretended he couldn't hear.

The alarm shut off five seconds later, Q snuggled deeper into the bed.

The distinct smell of earl grey reached his nose and made him perk up and attempt to come back out. He was pleasantly greeted by James' naked body leaning in and presenting him his mug. Q grinned and made grabby hands, James took that to mean the mug and handed it dutifully to him.

“I missed your messy bed head.” James said into Q's neck as he slid behind him and planted his hand in his hair. Q hummed contently and leaned back.

“I'm giving all long term assignments to 009 from now on.” Q decided as he rubbed his head against James' chest.

“Agreed.”

Q could feel the faint smile against him, and could smell the expensive soap on his skin. He turned his head and pressed a kiss to James' pectoral. He never wanted to move from this spot.

“Do you think the cats are up yet?” James' arms tightened around him as he whispered in his ear.

“Probably, but they'll be too busy cuddling each other to bother us I think, why?” Q asked, looking up. 

“I love you.” James answered with a blinding smile.

Q put the mug down beside the bed and turned to kiss James, hugging his neck and wrapping his legs around him. 

“I love you too” He said against James' lips. 

Two meows sounded from his left. Q burst out laughing.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Mr. Turing the cat is a reference to Alan Turing, likewise, Mrs. Hamilton is Margaret Hamilton.


End file.
